So we've now gone through my kids' first birthdays without my mom. They did fine since they're still so young. It's so easy for them to just be excited about their special day (as they should). For me, it was a little harder, especially with the first birthday. My mom loved to treat all her grandchildren anyway, but especially on birthdays. I can still hear her voice saying, "Hi, Honey! Happy Birthday!". And on the flip side, it also brought back so much of last summer when we were almost at the end of mom's battle. I remember praying that she lived long enough for my kids' birthdays & parties to pass. My birthday is at the end of the summer, after both my kids' & my husband's. I remember offering up my birthday as a trade - Mom could go before my day, I was old enough and could deal with it, but not my kids.
That prayer was answered - Mom even lasted another month after my birthday, but it was such a stressful summer. That other shoe was constantly waiting to drop and I was trying my best to keep everything balanced. My kids knew their grandmother was sick, and in my son's case (being older and a little more perceptive to what was going on), he knew she wasn't going to get better. But, I didn't want everything to stop while we waited for the cancer to finally take Mom. Things still needed to be celebrated, and sometimes that meant putting on a happy face when I didn't fully feel it, but there was still joy, too.
So here I am a day before my birthday, and while I still love my birthday, I'm still happy to let this one quietly pass by. I have no desire to for a big outing with friends - just some well wishes will be fine. I just kinda feel like I still don't fully have my act together again (or at least as together as it should be).
My son started his first day of first grade today and it's a very weird experience having him gone for a full day of school for the first time. I've already made a few calls to my sister & friends to talk about it, and then it hit me that I'd usually call my mom at one of these major milestones and I can't. I know she'd be excited for my son, too, and maybe tell me how she felt when my sister & I were at this point (or probably just tell me that she remembered when I started full time and not go further into it - she was very Irish after all, and not prone to really talking about her feelings). I know she'd want me to call her when he got off the bus so she could hear how his day went.
It just still sucks that she's gone.
