So here I am 3 major holiday seasons post Mom's Death. Things have changed and felt more "normal". I didn't break down crying when I brought out my Christmas decorations and set up my house. More moments were joyous rather than melancholy, but the loss was still felt. One of my bins of Christmas decorations was moldy due to a snowglobe that broke inside it somewhere throughout the past year. My first thought was, "I hope nothing my mom gave me was in there." Luckily, nothing was. I still lost decorations I'd've rather kept, but my most precious decorations & ornaments were safe in other bins. I now have them stored even more securely to make sure they won't fall victim to any other potential storage hazards in the future. But, having that dead mom reality check, in the end, it's all just stuff. Even if I lost what I loved the most, time would march on and things would be OK. Christmas could still be enjoyed - the magic would still come.
Gradually, I've realized that I don't feel that strong need to check on my kids every night before I go to sleep anymore. When I do, I do still watch their little bodies and make sure they're breathing, though. I know I'm being a bit over the top, but I like that reassurance of watching their bodies move. I like how my daughter asserts her independence even in sleep - if I touch her, she brushes my hand away and lets me know she's fine sleeping on her own. I know my son won't care if I touch him in his sleep or not, and if I do, he'll probably use my hand like a teddy bear, but he'll sleep so soundly, he won't know I was ever there. I'm glad they sleep so well, knowing their parents are around and looking after them.
I'm getting older, of course, too. More white hairs are popping up, but they've been coming since I was 17 so I'm used to them. But again, having a dead mom, if coloring my hair is my worst aging issue, I'm doing really well. I'm not stressed about turning 40 soon - I'm where I want to be in my life, and it definitely beats the alternative. I'm glad I can realize this.
There are still moments that sneak up on me, of course. I was in Macy's recently and saw some clothes I know my mom would've bought if she was still alive. I stopped for a moment and smiled & teared up at the same time. But, overall, I've gotten better at accepting these moments, too, and let them come & go as they need to. I'm thankful for what I have and for what I've learned. Cancer still sucks, though. I continue to hope for a cure for all forms at all stages. I'm the eternal optimist - I won't give up.
