Tuesday, October 25, 2011
October 25, 2011
I had my last motherless daughter group session tonight. While I'm sad the meetings are over because I really like the women that were in that room with me, I feel like I accomplished what I needed from the work we did during the past 6 weeks. I have this image & feeling like I'm at the ending scene of a movie where the main character has come through a horrible ordeal, and while they're not all better, they're getting there and you know they will be. I'm that figure walking away with happy music playing and I jump in the air for a celebratory kick of my heels. The sadness of Mom being gone will come again (and again and again and again), but I just feel so much better equipped to let it come and go now.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
October 18, 2011
So two weeks ago during my motherless daughter support group, I feel like I had my a-ha moment. I went to this women's weekend thing years ago where they told you at some point during the weekend, you'd jump up and shout, "I got my money's worth!" (you had to pay to go there, of course). I never had my shout out during that weekend, but in the middle of my grief support session, I wanted to jump up and shout it out. It's like the logic & the emotions finally came to the middle and found a way to coexist. I really feel like I can let the moments of sadness flow through me now and just let them come and go. I don't get so mad anymore that I can't just check sadness off my list and be done with it.
For this week's group assignment, we had to write a letter from our moms to ourselves. Mine was easy to write - my mom wasn't very emotional. But even my very short thank you from my mom for the letter I had to write to her for last week's assignment felt very real to me for what she would've done if she was still here. And I'm OK with that - I know from what she did how she felt about me and I love her for who she was. I'm lucky that I don't have any regrets. I'm very aware of all my blessings, and I'm very thankful for them. What I forgot to mention in my group tonight about writing that letter is what I wrote it on. I know my mom wouldn't have said much on my card, but she would've very carefully chosen what she wrote me on - it wouldn't have been just whatever card she laid her hands on. So, I went through all my stationery & cards and I found my very last dragonfly note card.
Shortly before my mom died, my sister told me whenever she sees dragonflies, she feels a special link to my mom. So when I saw that card, and saw it was my last one, it felt right. Now, I get to keep it forever and I can smile when I see it.
I've also gotten into this rhthym the past few weeks - I come home from group and I watch episodes of The Big C. It's kinda like self-torture. The show is great, but it brings up a lot of what we went through last year while my mom was dying & we were preparing for it the best we could. I also went to the movies with my husband last week to see 50/50 - the movie about the 27 yr old man who finds out he has cancer and his odds of surviving are 50/50. My husband said he wanted to see it because it was getting really good reviews. I knew if I told him I wanted to see that in the comfort of our livingroom, he'd say OK. But, I decided that since I was feeling so good in my grief progress, I'd see just how strong I was by seeing that movie in a theater with a room full of people.
I lost it by the scene in the movie where the young cancer patient goes into the hospital for his first chemo treatment. It just brought back the really crappy parts of my mom's cancer fight and the very brief time she let my sister & I go to the hospital with her for a treatment & doctor appointment (we were pretty much all banned from going with her so we wouldn't pester the doctor and I'm guessing, so she could prevent us and herself from hearing the not so optimistic news her doctor had for us at that point). It was a great movie, though. I found that I'm OK crying in a room full of people. And it made me thankful again for what I have. I know from what we went through last year with my mom's death that my husband & I really are there for each other good or bad. I promised him after the movie was over if he ever had cancer or other serious illness (though I still hope to stick to plan A - we both die of old age in our sleep around the age of 120), I'll be his biggest cheerleader and with him every step of the way. And after going through my mom's sickness & death, I know I have the strength to do it. I still hope I never have to - I'm the eternal optimist still thinking & knowing the happy ending is still an option.
For this week's group assignment, we had to write a letter from our moms to ourselves. Mine was easy to write - my mom wasn't very emotional. But even my very short thank you from my mom for the letter I had to write to her for last week's assignment felt very real to me for what she would've done if she was still here. And I'm OK with that - I know from what she did how she felt about me and I love her for who she was. I'm lucky that I don't have any regrets. I'm very aware of all my blessings, and I'm very thankful for them. What I forgot to mention in my group tonight about writing that letter is what I wrote it on. I know my mom wouldn't have said much on my card, but she would've very carefully chosen what she wrote me on - it wouldn't have been just whatever card she laid her hands on. So, I went through all my stationery & cards and I found my very last dragonfly note card.
Shortly before my mom died, my sister told me whenever she sees dragonflies, she feels a special link to my mom. So when I saw that card, and saw it was my last one, it felt right. Now, I get to keep it forever and I can smile when I see it.
I've also gotten into this rhthym the past few weeks - I come home from group and I watch episodes of The Big C. It's kinda like self-torture. The show is great, but it brings up a lot of what we went through last year while my mom was dying & we were preparing for it the best we could. I also went to the movies with my husband last week to see 50/50 - the movie about the 27 yr old man who finds out he has cancer and his odds of surviving are 50/50. My husband said he wanted to see it because it was getting really good reviews. I knew if I told him I wanted to see that in the comfort of our livingroom, he'd say OK. But, I decided that since I was feeling so good in my grief progress, I'd see just how strong I was by seeing that movie in a theater with a room full of people.
I lost it by the scene in the movie where the young cancer patient goes into the hospital for his first chemo treatment. It just brought back the really crappy parts of my mom's cancer fight and the very brief time she let my sister & I go to the hospital with her for a treatment & doctor appointment (we were pretty much all banned from going with her so we wouldn't pester the doctor and I'm guessing, so she could prevent us and herself from hearing the not so optimistic news her doctor had for us at that point). It was a great movie, though. I found that I'm OK crying in a room full of people. And it made me thankful again for what I have. I know from what we went through last year with my mom's death that my husband & I really are there for each other good or bad. I promised him after the movie was over if he ever had cancer or other serious illness (though I still hope to stick to plan A - we both die of old age in our sleep around the age of 120), I'll be his biggest cheerleader and with him every step of the way. And after going through my mom's sickness & death, I know I have the strength to do it. I still hope I never have to - I'm the eternal optimist still thinking & knowing the happy ending is still an option.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
October 4, 2011
So I've joined a motherless daughter support group. I think the name is the saddest one they could've possibly come up with . I also call it the sucker punch group, because I feel like I've been given one when that name is said, or the kleenex group or the super sad group. The counselor says dealing with the name is part of our journey. I guess she's right because I'm slowly using the official name more and my nicknames for it less.
Tonight is our 3rd (of 6) sessions. I told the counselor on the first night that I'm going there mostly to make myself cry. I feel like I've only let my emotions out so much and then I stop and do the dishes or something else distracting. I'm not mad about Mom's death - the only emotion I really have left is sadness. But I do get mad that I can't just get a bit sad and then cross that off my to-do list and be done with. My biggest hurdle is accepting that these bits of sadness will come & go for the rest of my life. Logically, I know this is normal and it meant she really meant that much to me and blah, blah, blah. I still don't like that there's no end to Mom being gone. But maybe I'm slowly learning to just let those sad moments in and not get so frustrated with them.
Tonight, we have to make our moms real to the rest of the group. I'm bringing in the memorial dvd I had made of Mom right after she died and the book of our family I barely finished in time before she died (and was thankfully still able to look at it and enjoy it when I did give it to her). It should be a very good night for getting out the tears.
Like all things, this 6 week session is starting to feel like it's going by really fast. There's a great group of women in there and I'm going to miss seeing them once a week when this ends.
Tonight is our 3rd (of 6) sessions. I told the counselor on the first night that I'm going there mostly to make myself cry. I feel like I've only let my emotions out so much and then I stop and do the dishes or something else distracting. I'm not mad about Mom's death - the only emotion I really have left is sadness. But I do get mad that I can't just get a bit sad and then cross that off my to-do list and be done with. My biggest hurdle is accepting that these bits of sadness will come & go for the rest of my life. Logically, I know this is normal and it meant she really meant that much to me and blah, blah, blah. I still don't like that there's no end to Mom being gone. But maybe I'm slowly learning to just let those sad moments in and not get so frustrated with them.
Tonight, we have to make our moms real to the rest of the group. I'm bringing in the memorial dvd I had made of Mom right after she died and the book of our family I barely finished in time before she died (and was thankfully still able to look at it and enjoy it when I did give it to her). It should be a very good night for getting out the tears.
Like all things, this 6 week session is starting to feel like it's going by really fast. There's a great group of women in there and I'm going to miss seeing them once a week when this ends.
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