So I had a moment today where I wanted to just throw a tantrum and let the universe & whoever else wanted to listen that it's unfair. My daughter was dancing around in her dress & singing a song she made up and I had one of those moments where I thought, "Wouldn't Mom love to see this?". That moment was quickly followed by, "Well she can't really, she's dead." But then there's that other voice that pops up and reminds me how lucky I am. Other people have it worse, and I am blessed to have had the time I did have. There's always someone who has it worse.
And while it's generally easier for me to cope with the loss of my mom, there's still kind of a stamp on me as someone who has lost their mom. My son had a playdate recently and when the dad camp to pick up his friend, we started talking. As the conversation turned to this & that, he at one point mentioned how he didn't know how his wife would cope with the loss of one of her parents because she's so close to them. We don't know each other well, but he knows my mom died not that long ago, and there was that quick look of someone who's realized what they said and to whom, and the conversation quickly turned again. For me, it was kind of amusing - I don't begrudge anyone that still has both their parents, especially when they have a good relationship with them. But it's still that kind of mark where I'm branded as someone who's missing a parent.
When my mom had first died, I was very frustrated knowing that people were asking my husband and my close friends how I was doing. I knew that as soon as I left a room, people were asking how I was holding up, or how Mom's death was affecting me. And again, it was that weird place of seeing both sides of the coin - I knew that it all came from a good, loving place, but I wanted people to be able to talk to ME about it. It is what it is, and while it sucks and I'd change it if I could, I can talk about it. It's easier to talk with someone else who's been in a similar place just because they understand it more, but I can talk about it and I don't mind being asked - even if I get a bit teary eyed. Maybe they'll even help me more by asking since I do still have some of that Irish tendency to just stuff it down and not talk about it.
