December 7, 2010

So I think I might be going though a bit of an anger phase.  While I'm not mad at my mom for how she dealt with her cancer battle, I do think I'm mad that I'm now here without a mom.  Her battle was not how I would've fought it if it was my battle.  But, I do realize that even if she had gone to a doctor as soon as she realized something wasn't right, we could potentially be in the exact same place we are now.  She fought breast cancer at stage 4 for at least 6 years that we know of.  Her battle was miraculous and her quality of life was pretty high for most of those 6 years.  What I know is that if cancer ever comes to me, I'll fight it as soon as I sense something is wrong.  I won't sit on it and think I can wish it away or ignore it or submit to it.  My kids won't wonder someday, "What if something was done earlier?  Would it have mattered?" 

Christmas is coming - my first big holiday without my mom that will really hurt.  She was such a big part of this holiday - her generosity, her joviality, her cooking of the turkey and/or the potatoes, her presence and her love.  This is the one where I'm feeling it and I'm not liking it.  It was hard decorating the house with gifts I'd received from her.  She always offered to watch my kids while I cleaned the house, to buy holiday clothes for them, to cook so much of the food because I clearly was too busy to do it with small children I had to properly care for. 

I know what I'm lucky & grateful for.   I know my life could be a lot harder than it is.  I know so many people have lived through worse than I have and that for most of my life, I've lived a pretty blessed & charmed existence.  But at the end of it all, I'm still here feeling the loss of my mom, my neverending support system.  I want her back & I'm not at all happy to be here having to heal and move forward without her.  I'm frustrated because I'm not healed, and I don't have my act together.  I know, logically, that this will take time to get back on track and "normal" life.  But I don't want to have to go through this and I hate that it's not something you can ever get fully over - the loss will always be there.  I know that the upside is that she meant so much to me, I'll always miss her.  But that's also the downside - the gap will always be there.  Remembering her isn't enough - I want to stamp my feet and demand to have her back completely healthy and living at least til she's in her 90s seeing grandchildren and great-grandchildren growing up.