It's funny the things that trigger the loss of my mom sometimes. I recently bought a bunch of marigolds to plant in my garden because my daughter really wanted them. She doesn't know it, but marigolds always remind me of my mom because she used to buy them every year from the local greenhouse. Shortly before she died, I asked her if it was because they were her favorite flower. She said no, it was because they were hearty. It just makes me laugh & smirk whenever I look at them now. All those years, and I never knew til the very end.
There are other times when thoughts of her just pop up with no prompting, too. The other night, while I was trying to go to sleep, I thought again of that first night she came home into hospice care and I couldn't stop crying that day to save my soul. I went back to that moment when I was in the room with her and I thought she was asleep, only for her to look at me and tell me to stop crying. I started all over again just thinking about it. It's a strange thing going through those last days of someone's life and then the whole wake & funeral process.
Mother's Day was another interesting day. I hadn't been to my mom's grave in awhile - I don't like that close to where she's buried and with two young children to take care of, and only one in school full day, I don't have a lot of time to run back and forth (they could and have come with me, but there are days I just want to go by myself - those are the ones harder to schedule). I had a very nice Mother's Day and it was a much easier one than last year's when it was our first without her. But I had a very strong pull to go to the cemetery. On the way there, I stopped by a roadside mini-greenhouse and looked for some yellow roses to bring with me (turns out that's what Mom's actual favorite flower was). They didn't have any, so I kept looking for something else I recognized and would do well in a place like that. The man that worked there very kindly helped me out and I got something I'd never heard of but was pretty. I figured if Mom didn't like it, she'd find a way to get a strong wind to knock it over, but I liked it. And then the tears started coming off and on again.
After my cemetery visit, I started thinking about my aunt, the one that had died from cancer shortly before my mom. And that got me thinking about my grandparents & my uncle - almost all of them also lost to cancer. So I stopped at the church where their names are etched in stone at the memorial garden and I let out more loss there. In many ways, this year has been more about feeling the loss of my aunt than my mother. I think last year was so much about Mom I didn't have room to grieve my aunt. This year, with the loss of my mom more coming in waves here and there, I've noticed & felt my aunt's absence more.
There are people with worse losses than mine. I'm very aware of that. I'm very grateful for what I had, but I still think you're always too young to lose your mother.
No comments:
Post a Comment