May, 9, 2014

So it's been awhile since I felt the need to write.  Most of the time, I live in my happy, bubble world.   Every now and then, I'm reminded that I'm kind of broken and my mom is dead.

I can look at things logically, and know that if I take care of myself, chances are, I won't get cancer and I can live to see my kids get married and be a grandmother, and hopefully, a great-grandmother.  I like living.  I love being a mom.  As hard as it can be sometimes to let your kids go and make their own choices and know you'll always worry about them no matter how old they are, I love this life instead of being under the dirt.

My dad recently sold the house I spent at least half of my growing up years in.  It's a fantastic choice for him and his lovely new wife, but part of it is still weird.  I'm so happy that they will soon live in a place where they don't need to snowblow & clear leaves & mow lawns.  But, it's also very weird that a house I went on autopilot to now belongs to someone else.  I hope they make their own happy memories there because no matter what I grew up with, I knew my parents were always there to give me a home.  I knew that overall, it was a house of love.

It's been a time of change for me.  I've started substitute teaching which has led to dreams of a getting a master's degree and teaching.   It's a new phase, working and raising a family.  It leaves a bit of a hole again where it's a profession  I know my mom would be proud of (and maybe a bit jealous where it's something she always wanted to do).  Most of the time, I feel excited, but some days that hole creeps in.  My sister tells me she feels like she has another mom with my dad's new wife.  She's a lovely lady and I'm so happy they've found each other but I don't quite feel that connection yet.  I don't know if it's that Irish "I'm fine" attitude I inherited, or it's just more time that I need, but I feel like she's a new family member, but not quite like a new mom/stepmom just yet.  It is very possible that I've inherited proctective skills to just keep any new potential hurts out.

It's all a mixed bag, overall.  My mom's sickness & dying make me appreciate so many things I wouldn't have otherwise.  So many things come up in my family's daily lives that seem so dealable since they're not life threatening. I also have more of a focus to take care of myself so I live longer and will hopefully live to see my great-grandchildren.  But when I think about what my mom doesn't get to see from this side of the grave (although I do fully believe no matter what anyone else does that she's watching us from her side), there's a void.  She was my person that always championed me and as she always said, she loved kids & animals, so there's always still a part missing from any triumph we have along the way.  I am very grateful for any love & care we get from where she is, but it's just not quite the same.