I'm healing again. Christmas went a lot easier than I expected, but New Year's Eve through me for a loop. Even though my husband very kindly took the morning shift with the kids and let me sleep in, I was grumpy. I couldn't figure out why til the sadness creeped in. New Year's wasn't a holiday I'd usually spent with my mom, so I figured it'd be an easier one to get through, and it turned out to be one of the hardest. It just felt like ringing in the new year was a final way of leaving my mom behind and I just wanted to hold onto whatever I could. I was happy again at midnight (thanks to some love & support from both my husband & my sister), but I was still surprised at how emotional the day was.
Today, I was able to go to my dad's house by myself to clean out some more stuff from my old bedroom and to hang out with my dad. I also stopped by the cemetary to see my mom's stone (it was the first time I got to see it). I had to plow through a little bit of snow and shovel my way out a little bit, but it was worth it to see the stone, touch it, and draw a heart in the snow for Mom. The visit with my dad was even more helpful for me. I was able to tell him how I feel, too, and get some unconditional love from him, too. Originally, I thought my visit would be to help him out, but I think I got more help today than he did. One of the things I love best about him is that we can tell each other the same stories over and over again and never get tired (and he gives great hugs).
My heart feels a bit better again. I'm getting there.
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