January 11, 2011

I'm learning that grief is a lot like having your first child - you really can't prepare for it.  I keep picturing certain days or events and preparing for how it'll feel, and then I find out what I prepared for is usually not what I feel on that day/event.  I thought Christmas would be the hard day, and instead New Year's Eve threw me for a loop.  I pictured being very emotional the first day I saw my mother's stone in the cemetary, and instead I felt really OK.  Every time I thought about going there, I'd get very emotional, but once I was there, it was like an ordinary moment.  I was more taken aback by my dad choosing to have his name & birth year on there than I was by seeing my mom's information.  I just kind shook my head and thought how I wouldn't want my own name on a stone until it was my time (no matter how normal it is for family members to have their name & birth info on a stone before their day comes), but also respecting my dad's choice to do so. 

There are also reactions I think I've moved past, only to find them sneak up on me again.  Shortly after Mom died, I had the typical reaction of wanting to call her after something happened only to then remember she was gone.  Yesterday, after at least a month of that not happening, it happened again.  Patience isn't one of my strong suits, and this is all a big lesson in learning it.  I've always had the least amount of patience with myself - I just want to be where I see myself, I don't want to do the work to get there.  There have been some bumps in the road, but overall, til now, I've led a pretty charmed existence.

I've been remembering a lot about my mom's idiosyncrasies.  The way she twiddled her fingers while pointing to what she wanted, or always finding a way to get me to hold her shopping bags while we were out together in the mall.  They all make me smile.  I can hear her laugh and voice and I'm so very glad for all the time I had with her.  And especially glad I was old enough to appreciate the time I had with her.  I'm not jealous of anyone that still has their mom.  I'm not mad, I don't say, "why me?".  I just miss her and I just get sad sometimes.  But I have these two little kids and they need me and we all have to move on and remember there are so many reasons to still be happy.   We have a Nor'easter coming our way tomorrow - there are snow angels to make and snowmen to build.  And Mom will be laughing at her grandchildren at play.