When a person comes to the end of their battle of cancer, their loved ones are left with no good choices. I remember praying that God would take Mom and put her out of her suffering, but at the same time, not wanting her gone. I wanted that impossible miracle still of having her back at full health - cancer free. I'm at peace with her dying - it wasn't a life she wanted to live at the end, but I still find myself wishing we could just have her back, completely healthy. Sometimes, I go through a little checklist to make sure what I feel is just normal grief and not depression. I can easily get out of bed in the morning & shower, I genuinely laugh at things and enjoy most of my days. But I'm someone that likes to know there's an end to something, so where I struggle is knowing that there's no end to missing my mom. From talking to other people that have missed loved ones, I know moments are going to pop up for the rest of my life where I just get really sad. I also know that all this is normal, and it means my mom was someone I loved, and that's a good thing. I still hate that it doesn't end and that piece will always be missing.
There have also been reactions in my daughter that I wasn't expecting. I thought since she's only 3 years old, she'd have a very vague idea of death and would pretty much carry on as usual. Instead, when my husband was sick with a stomach bug last week, she got very worried about him and needed to physically see him to make sure he was still here. She's had a cold for about a week now, and a few nights ago, she got very upset missing her voice and worrying that her cold was the same kind of being sick as her grandmother having cancer. She's asked me if I'll still be her mom even after she dies. It's moments like that that really break my heart. I've told her that absolutely nothing can ever stop me from being her mom and that there's no reason both of us shouldn't be around for a long time (I've stopped short of promising that, knowing that life can sometimes throw you a curveball, but also knowing I don't need to fill her head with those new worries.) I tell her we're a healthy, active family, and we live this way so we can live long, healthy lives together. Her logic is at a level I never expected. The other day, I dropped my car off at the dealership so they could do some regular maintenance on it. My daughter couldn't stay asleep that night - she had a fear that she'd wake up and something else from our house (or someone) would be missing, too. I did my best to explain to her that nothing leaves our house without us making it leave. Luckily, my car was ready in the morning, and my daughter was very happy when I picked her up in it at school the next morning. Again, I know her reactions are normal, but it's just logic that my very young child shouldn't have as part of her world yet. She shouldn't have lost her grandmother yet.
Screw you, cancer.
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