I can't help but compare where I am right now to where I was at this point last year. It was this time (almost exactly to the day) that my mom was hospitalized for the first time. Six years (that we know of) at stage 4 breast cancer and the beast had finally taken a really big blow to our lives dealing with cancer. We'd known for awhile that cancer was changing all of our lives (and none more than Mom's), but up until the hospitalization, there was the ability to be aware of taking advantage of every moment and every holiday we still had together, but still being able to live life somewhat "normally".
I remember Mom was hospitalized on a Monday night because it was my yoga night. I came home from class and my babysitter hadn't left yet and the phone rang and I saw from the caller id that it was coming from my dad's cell phone. I knew a call coming at that time of night wasn't going to be good. And then my dad told me that Mom was in the hospital after collapsing outside their house on her way home from work.
There are so many miracles and blessings that happened that day. Mom was seen driving erratically by a neighbor up the road into her driveway, so we can guess she wasn't the best driver on her 45 minute commute home. Thankfully, she didn't crash on her way home and/or hurt anyone else. Dad actually wasn't home that night because he was helping another friend of theirs, ironically, get back and forth from his own cancer treatment in the city. Mom went to go in the house through the front porch instead of the basement entry like she used to. If that neighbor hadn't been by her window to see the poor driving and then Mom falling down on the porch steps, we would've lost her that night. Instead, we got about 6 1/2 more months with her and again, a lot of that time was decent. Mom worked full time till late June. There were still a good chunk of life she was able to enjoy. Things definitely got more stressful after that hospitalization, and more real, but she was still lucid.
Every holiday became even more special, and I was so thankful for each one I had one more with her. Last Easter, she was still able to go out and help my daughter find eggs. By the time my daughter's birthday got here last July, Mom had been hospitalized 2 more times and time was getting even more precious. I changed my prayers from asking Mom to be here long enough for my kids to remember her to just being here long enough to make it through their birthdays. She made it through my daughter's, and my son's birthday was only a few weeks after that and I started to get nervous that she'd die inbetween the two and my son's birthday would have that dark shadow over it. My birthday is only a few weeks after my son's and I kept offering up my birthday if my mom would just make it through my son's & his party with his friends. In the end, she even made it through mine (and died a month afterwards). She even made it through one more anniversary with my dad (and they got to enjoy a very special day out of the house on a very special trip) before finally letting go.
I'm in a very different place this St.Patty's Day. Last year, I spent it visiting Mom in the hospital and trying to pep her up the best I could to keep her fighting. Our annual family party at my sister's was cancelled so we could all go back & forth to the hospital instead. This year, life isn't on call anymore. I can make plans again without that little escape clause of "unless something else happens with Mom". And that part is a relief, but if I could have Mom back healthy, I'd choose that in a heartbeat. It just wasn't a choice I was given. At the same point, given what we were, I'm still happy with what I did for Mom. I did everything I could balancing caring for her, my kids, my husband, myself, Dad, etc. I did what I could and there's nothing I wish I had done better, more, differently, etc. I love the holidays, but now is when the bittersweet really starts - we're still going through the first rollout of holidays where we can say, "last time, she was still was with us". And with St. Patty's Day it has that extra tinge to it, because my kids know that Mom came from the Land of the Leprechauns and because of her, we have a leprechaun that visits our house and leaves some chocolate gold coins behind.
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