March 28, 2011

I went with my cousin to the cemetary last Saturday.  I didn't really put much thought into the visit - I've been there a few times now and I like going there.  It's a peaceful place and I like looking at the other stones, too, and what people do for those loved ones. 

We had a really good visit, but it was rather emotional.  We exchanged Mom stories and talked again about the night she died.  It was such a powerful & magical night in so many ways and I'm still so glad it all worked out the way it did.  But going over it again and talking with someone about what we've lost just stirred up everything again. 

That night, my husband & I went out to celebrate my brother-in-law receiving a special award.  At the reception, the DJ played Anne Murray's "Can I Have This Dance".  My sister, father & I all sang along, and that brought up even more memories - my aunt sang it at another aunt's wedding to my uncle.  The singing aunt and that uncle have also passed away to cancer, as did one of my grandmothers.  It all just made me miss all of them so much - we've lost so much with their passings. 

I was sad off & on through much of the weekend, and because of that, easily irritated & offended until I finally gave myself some quiet time to let it all out.  After journaling about it, a visit from my husband to give me hugs & love, and a phone call from my sister to talk about it yet again (and then move on to lighter topics), I finally felt I had let everything I had out.  My eyes were very dry for the rest of the night, but I felt at peace again.

I'm glad Mom isn't suffering, but I'm still having those moments of wanting to stomp my feet and demand her back - completely healthy & cancer-free (and never to battle cancer again, of course - I try to cover all my bases with this demand.  I've read Pet Sematary - I don't want some twisted version back - I want my healthy, happy, goofy mom back).  I'm so glad for all the memories & time with her that we had, but so sad that there won't be any new memories with her.  Easter is coming up and for the first time, the youngest grandchildren won't have her there to help find the Easter eggs.  St. Patty's Day just passed and since Mom came from the Land of the Leprechauns, that day was a bit tough, too.  She was so very proud to be Irish and my kids knew we were visited by a leprechaun because of our connection to her.

In general, I'm still happy.  I still enjoy life and am making the holidays very special still for my kids, but that piece is missing and I want it back.  I do not like that it's gone forever.  For now, though, I'm back to thinking about my mom and smiling instead of crying.